Hard Conversations

To be completely honest, I don’t really know how to start this blog post. I am currently sitting on my flight headed to Hawaii. At my mom’s most recent check-up the doctor advised my dad to start planning for end of life decisions to be made. We don’t know when my mom will be laid to rest but we have decided it’s best that we start talking about it. We have planned out a weekend full of tough conversations (burial plans, when to call, etc.) and also time to just be together as a family. Quality time is my number one love language but I can’t help feeling like this trip will be a struggle to stay in the moment.

When visiting my family I never know what to expect. I usually will spend some time grieving my mom’s condition and any changes that have taken place since I last saw her. I will have to fight the urge to run away, lock myself in a room and cry under the covers. I hope that instead, I can spend time sitting with my mom, holding her hand while the tears flow.

I’ve been asked a lot this week about how I am feeling about this trip. I can’t help feeling darn mad, like I shouldn’t have to be making burial plans for my mom at age 27. I also feel sick to my stomach thinking about having to plan for my mom’s death. I don’t know how I want to find out and I don’t know where she would want to be buried. This is such an intense way to loose someone you love. The struggle and grief is drawn out for years and it gets worse and worse as you go on.

My goals for this weekend:

1.     I want to remain in a constant state of prayer asking for God’s strength and for him to wrap his arm around me and show me all the beauty in the small, seemingly insignificant moments.

2.     I will fight to stay in the moment no matter how I am feeling.  I will make an effort to be present, real and raw no matter how difficult a conversation might be.

3.     I will forgive myself and be patient with my grieving process. I will not be harsh and critical of the feelings that will come up over this weekend.