Tag: Father

Amazing Love — John Hamill

Amazing Love — John Hamill

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DISCLAIMER: Have tissues nearby!

The following is a four page blog post from my incredible, loving, selfless, and tender father John Hamill. You are the best example of love there is dad. You amaze me more and more each day. Thank you for everything you do for my mom and for me.

These are his tips and tricks of how to care for his wife who has Alzheimer’s.

I really feel the need to reach out and try to help others in our situation – and would love to hear your experiences and ideas too – Thanks for being here … I have been my wife’s caregiver for the past 5 to 6 years, other then having a gal come in for a couple of hours and watch her so I could go out to an appointment for work – Our daughter, who is 23 now, gave me a 3 day break to hit the lake with the good ole boys I went to school with – But ( not complaining – just explaining ) the rest of the time I have been with, and taking care of, my love and life partner Pammy – Through-out this journey I have stumbled many times, I have questioned and have had to pick myself up by the collar and remind myself to always keep moving forward … A while into this journey most of our friends stopped coming by – ” you find out who your friends are ” Now I have come to understand and accept that most of them couldn’t handle seeing my wife so so different and I believe it really hit home for them – made them uncomfortable and wonder if they could handle doing what I have decided to do and go down this long road with their spouse … I can’t blame them or be mad at them as they all have situations and problems of their own and their life to lead and handle …

I try not to go back in time at all – So remembering all of the things I have learned and done to get through this is still there, but behind a closed door … I have gone through her accusing me of having numerous girlfriends ( like I had the time ) I have gone through how to get her to eat, her not sleeping at night, her incontinence – I said to myself, “Oh Lord if I have to go through her peeing in bed, cleaning sheets and the floor at 3 in the morning, and pooping in her panties ( depends ) show me the way I can get through this.” … I learned to put her on the potty 5 to 6 times a day, once for sure before bed and when she wakes up – She is a walker and used to be up quite a bit more throughout the night then – I learned that when she gets up she usually has to pee – so I turn on a few lights and let her walk around and then in a few minutes put her on the potty – I have found that when she is sitting on the toilet it is the best time to get things done – change her pants, her panties, brush her hair, clip her finger and toe nails ( she hates nail clipping and hair brushing ) and put lotion on her legs … I learned that you wipe gals from the front to the back – very important as we don’t want any yeast infections or other problems down there and it is really hard to get near her privates … I cut her depends (diapers) so the waist band is not so wide, more like a bikini, so she won’t get a rash on her tummy. CaRez cream works great to prevent it, if needed, and Sarna Lotion is the best for a rash that there is- Sarna stinks but will take a break out rash down to smooth in minutes – I cut all the depends (diapers) at one sitting and be done for the week and ready … I take a small duffle ” bag of tricks ” with me when we go on outings that has a change of clothes, sandals, wipes, panties, a small blanket, water, and some snacks – I learned that you can take her into the men’s room to go potty – I went into the Ladies room once and that was a bad idea – the guys don’t care but some kinda wonder for a minute then move on …

You will need to learn to not take anything she says to heart … My wife never swore in her life and she sounds like a drunken sailor at times and calls me every name in the book – One of the hardest tasks you will have is when you have just done something good for her and she has no idea what you have done and no appreciation for what you are doing and hates you – Always remember it is not her, it is this awful disease. One of my favorite sayings is, ” This too will Pass ” and it will … I don’t want to come across sounding like an authority on this – I just really want to give back and help others … Let me know to shut up if I get to be too much …

I still catch myself getting mad – every once and awhile I do get mad and can’t handle her anger and meanness – Then feel bad and guilty I got mad and growled … I have learned that you have to indirectly direct – Lead them to what you want them to do – My wife used to break my house plants and pick the flowers ( I figure that was her way of enjoying them ) so I went out to dollar store and got some fake flowers and put them around so she would focus on those and leave the plants alone – It worked for me and she walked around with the fake ones instead – every once and while still doing the plants – Pam used to get into the pantry cupboard and pull things out and stick her fingers in the peanut butter jar and munch – So I turned the labels around facing backwards and put them to the back and sides and then put a little plate of plastic open container with nuts and dried fruit right in the middle – she would go straight to that instead – Indirectly Directing –

My wife is a walker, up all the time – She wouldn’t eat sitting down – So I put a brightly colored dish towel on the counter – making it her place to find food – and put fruit, nuts and juice there … She got used to that was her spot to find food – She ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks walking and standing, – who cares if she didn’t sit, at least she was eating – the old ” Whatever ,” it doesn’t matter.

– I have found that saying I love you to my wife a bazillion times a day not only helps reaffirm my love for her but she really doesn’t have much to come back at me with – I always ask her to help me to help her when I am doing things – She hates taking off her tops – So I am always asking her for help to help me – consequently she sleeps in what she wears for a few days other then changing her panties and pants. It’s the same LL Bean fleece sweatshirt and top – I try to give her a shower twice a week and that usually is a scene of her tearing up and me asking for her help so I can help her – I always tell her that we are almost done even when we have just begun. I tell her I love her and do a silly little kiss on each cheek and talk french to her which seems to redirect her well as she tries to repeat some words – In the beginning we had to cover up mirrors ( butcher paper and masking tape worked well when we were staying in hotels – other then explaining to the housecleaning folks to leave it up – sheets and push pins at home worked ) we had to take all the family pictures down as she would talk to them and get angry – she would talk to the reflections in the car windows in the garage so I would roll em all down, and then she found the side mirrors – she would get angry at plate glass store fronts walking by so we would walk on that side and block the view the best we could … This too passed as it was just another phase in the journey … I let her start talking in the mirrors again as long as she didn’t get worked up – She still to this day talks, growls, and laughs in the mirror at herself – I have found that Yoga pants are the easiest and cheapest pants for her now ( I still have all her clothes in our storage – not ready to go there yet ) She is a shorty, 5’5″ and at 100lbs has lost a lot of weight, muscle mass, and fat so she needs to stay warm and zip up fleece sweatshirts work well … They have multiple colors and the Yoga pants come in different colors too ( I got sick of having her looking dumpy in her over sized, too big for her, sweats ) Got the Yoga Pants at Essential Apparel on line at like $15.00 each – Only thing is I have to hem em up so I bought a sewing machine at Target. It’s a little time consuming but I measure the inseam, chalk it, and I use a stapler to hold the hem in place then sew em up and cut the long portions of from the inside … She isn’t drinking water as much now so I give her Gatorade to keep her hydrated and she will go through 2 to 3 mid size bottle a day … I took her off all of the psychotropic drugs as they didn’t do Jack for her – Now I have her on one 0.50 milligram of risperdal in the morning for agitation – I took her off that too at one time for about 8 months but she started getting to be an angry elf – I have her on some homeopathic and natural things to keep her on an even keel and can explain them to you when you get there … Pam hasn’t seen a doctor in over a year as she is healthy other then the dementia and AZ … Really all the doctors can tell me is she is progressing – they have no answers to how long, whats next, or what should I do … Seems they just like to prescribe pills – we went through the trying this, and trying that, at the beginning pretty much to no avail … You will know your wife much better then any doctor ever will … I tried taking her to a day care center for AZ folks but she was the youngest one there and was going through the look in the glass reflection angry period – she wouldn’t eat, couldn’t converse, wouldn’t  join in groups, and the guys were kinda all over her – So it lasted about 2 months of 2 times a week of me feeling like I needed to go rescue her – It was expensive and I truly believe that the one on one she gets with me is so much better …

PS I ditched the bra a long time ago as that was not gonna happen – blouses with patterns help with nipples as my daughter was always embarrassed when they showed … Using a coffee cup for her Gatorade now easier for her to grip and the Gatorade gives her some more calories … I carb her up pretty good cause she is a walker and used to give her ensure till I read all the crap that is in it … Tried blueberries, coconut oil, walnuts and fish – but Pammy was to far into it to really help – Maybe your wife could benefit from them though …

I had to make our house into a safe house for her – That way she could roam and I didn’t have to get out of bed every time in the middle of the night … I moved the knives to the garage, took the knobs off the stove and oven, and put one up in a cupboard to use when I needed it … She started getting into cupboards so I took the handles off and just opened them from the bottom or the sides. Same with her opening up bedroom doors – I just took the handles off and left one in the linen closet to grab when I needed to get into that room … Took all the drugs and cleaning supplies out of the bathroom  and made a cupboard in the garage with a latch for those – It was a good exercise in how many stupid wooden spoons do you really need and why do I keep moving these pans to get to the pans I really use all the time – Get rid of em – make your life less complicated … I kept a journal for months before we sold our house 5 months ago and moved … It helped looking back on her patterns for bowel movements and I rated her 3 to 4 times a day as to how she was dong on my angry scale of 1 to 3 with 1 being the best – That way I could see if the natural items were working for her or not and if I took her off a pill was she okay after a day or two or not effected … kinda abbreviated things as to food, fruit, etc to see if maybe richer foods were effecting her as I still cook – as I was in the restaurant business for years as a cook … More soon…John H

 

My story

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I grew up in Laguna Niguel, CA. My immediate family consisted of my dad, mom, cousin Sandee and our two mini shelties (Misty and Roxy).

When I was 14 years old my dad and I noticed changes in my mom. We would go out in the backyard and talk about each change we saw. Majority of my input was that she was forgetting to flush the toilet, loosing track of time and not knowing what day it was. My dad had more insight to what might be happening. My mom used to lay in bed with him at night and say “John, I don’t feel right. Something is happening.”  Together we noticed she wasn’t as happy as she used to be and was becoming more forgetful. Things like getting lost on her way to her best friend’s house or not knowing what month we were in became normal in our small family of three. Frequent doctor visits just made our family more confused about what was happening to our mom.

Life continued. I was busy being a high school student, volleyball player and frequent beach goer. My dad worked as a real estate appraiser and our two little dogs played in the yard and barked at the mailman.

I started school at Point Loma Nazarene University in 2009. I played on the volleyball team so I had a busy semester. I would often call home to whine about how sore my body was. I was consumed in my new college life and didn’t expect what was soon coming.

When I went home for Christmas break, my dad told me that he had made arrangements for us to go to a class together. I was of course very confused but he assured me that it would be fun. We went to dinner with our cousin Sandee and Aunt Joan. I never asked where my mom was. Some part of me already knew what was happening.

After dinner at CPK we drove up to a tall medical building. We got in the elevator and headed up to the 3rd floor. When we stepped out of the elevator a lady from the Alzheimer’s Association greeted us and said, “I would like to welcome you to the class where you will be learning how to live with someone who has Alzheimer’s.”  It was in that exact moment that I learned my mom had been diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer ’s disease, while I was away at school. My entire body went numb. I had no idea what that meant but I knew it wasn’t good. I don’t remember walking into the classroom or how I sat down in a chair. I never looked at the lady from the Alzheimer’s Association. She delivered the worst news I have ever gotten in my entire life. I couldn’t look at her. In fact, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone in the entire room that night. I starred off at a fake potted plant across the room as she went through her power point of information. I distinctly remember the slide that contained the most hurtful information I have ever heard.

“Alzheimer’s disease is fatal. There is no cure.” blah blah blah

“The average life span after diagnosis is 8 years.”

I didn’t cry in the room. The back of my throat hurt more than it ever has. I was holding back a storm of tears for over an hour.

After we left my dad and I got in the car. I wish I could remember what we talked about. Soon after we arrived at my moms best friends house. We walked in through the open garage and found my mom and her bestie in the kitchen laughing. She was so happy. I’ll never forget hearing her laugh that night. I walked up to her just as a mother would picking up her child from day care and hugged her tight, told her I loved her and asked what she did while they were together.

We never told my mom about the class and we never talked about that night again.

I jumped instantly into the role of my mothers caregiver at age 17. In the beginning that meant reminding her what day it was and going with her to get her nails done. I did my best to hold her hand, tell her I loved her and enjoy the stories she would tell me.

It happened quick. Within a year my mom no longer knew who my dad or I was. It didn’t happen within one day like I feared it would. She gradually forgot us. It made it easier.

I completed my internship with the Alzheimer’s Association during college and after graduation began working as the San Diego Alzheimer’s Association Outreach Coordinator. Working for the Alzheimer’s Association was an amazing platform for me to be able to share my story with thousands of people. Eventually, working it and living it became too much and I decided to leave the Association to start a new career. I am restarting this blog to continue to reach people who are looking support and share my Dad and I’s story.

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You will find more details and updates of our journey within this blog.